Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey