@Browtweaten

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

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@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

@Kyle_Lippert

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@shutupmikeginn

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?