ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Happens to everyone.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!