Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
You Might Also Like
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Oh no
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen