Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.