Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.