Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Life with a cat in one tweet
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Ummm
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids