Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”