ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.