Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL