me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
You can’t rush stupid.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
new wife guy just dropped
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”