@surrealvehicle

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

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@BuckyIsotope

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

@JohnLyonTweets

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

@ItsAndyRyan

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

@bazecraze

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

@OlanDevine

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@DadSetAgainst

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing