Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
When the stylist spins you back around
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Happy weekend !
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.