Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
You Might Also Like
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened