Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
it is time once again
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.