Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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You sure about that?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The “baby” on the left….
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.