Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.