ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Best spoiler warning ever
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING