Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Are you ok, human???
You better watch out
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.