Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.