Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs