me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
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“I wouldn’t.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
This is me
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
smh
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up