Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed