ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
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My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.