Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Liquor Store Parking
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When you’ve simply given up.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one