Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.