Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address