Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Same post same
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
next level snooze
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo