Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
December birthdays be like…
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.