me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
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[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
FINE, I WON’T.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Love is in the air fryer.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb