Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I just love that new Pope smell.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳