Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Holy crap this is wonderful
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.