me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I don’t get marriage
Gods work.