ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
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What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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Gross if literal…Liverpool
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
#gardening
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
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