Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I put the p in pants.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*