Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.


-Come on, it’s time to go


-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.


why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway


That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..


When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.


Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”


Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.