@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

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@PostCultRev

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@noog

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@weedguy420boner

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

@faizziy

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

@Loli_Sug

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

@FunnyBison

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.