Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You Might Also Like
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
kevin is now a local weatherman
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
$3 #books
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks