Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
#math
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …