ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid