Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Are you ok, human???
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.