Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over