Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Bike for sale

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.