Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.