Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.