Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.