Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.