Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.