Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
@ candidates for local office
c’mon!
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.