Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Mad Max Arctic Road
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are