me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how