ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Always 🥴
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My life coach traded me.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running