Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.