ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.