me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
i now pronounce you bounced.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on